Thoughts on Pregnancy

...and my life that is about to change forever.

I’m 39 ½ weeks pregnant and will be going in on Tuesday night to be induced. This blog has become just as much an online journal for me as a way to promote and connect with my photography clients. If you follow it, you know you get a little bit of everything here. I’m writing this more for myself than anything…so feel free to skip this blog if you’re not a reader. This blog is a summary of the last year of my life before becoming a mother.

Well, for those that know me well…none of this I’m about to write will come as a surprise. I’ve spent the last year of my life filling your ears with my aches and pains and just general complaints that go along with pregnancy. In many ways I’m disappointed that I didn’t take to pregnancy more gracefully. But in my defense it’s been a long ride with a few bumps along the way.

As many of you know, I was first pregnant in September of 2007. At 13 weeks, I found out that the baby did not make it and I had to have a D&C. That was such a surreal experience for me…even now as I look back. I had dreamt of being pregnant and becoming a mother my whole life. I was so happy to have waited as long as I have and with the right person. We made plans, discussed names constantly, and dreamed of this new life together. We were so excited and then it was gone just as fast as it came. It was such a disappointment that neither one of us knew how to deal with. In many ways the disappointment and my recovery from the surgery put a bit of distance between the two of us. I got busy with photography and it was my saving grace.

Before I knew it, we were pregnant again! This time, as a precaution, my doc tested my hormone levels and discovered that my progesterone was low. She instantly put me on progesterone for my entire first trimester (which is a gross gooey suppository that you have to insert every night before bed…YUCK!). It made me wacko! I felt irritable, grumpy, and generally sick at night. I’m not sure how much of that was the pregnancy and how much was the hormone. I just know that I didn’t feel that way the first time. I stopped taking it at 12 weeks, the day I left for Europe.

I felt fabulous in Europe! I had energy and little to no side effects. That scared me. It was about the same time I started feeling better in my first pregnancy and about the same time I lost that baby. I prayed nightly that this baby would be protected. I wondered if I shouldn’t have gone to Europe. On a desperate night, I prayed that God would give me a sign that the baby was okay. He did (unbelievable, I know). That night I dreamt I could feel the baby’s heartbeat with my hand on my belly. I woke up the next day with a bit of relief. Of course I continued to worry myself and called my doctor from France. I scheduled an appointment for the day I returned home. I was making myself crazy and was convinced that I had lost the baby. In some ways, I just wanted to prepare myself for the worst case.

I returned home from a 12-day adventure that was difficult to enjoy because of my constant state of worry. Dan and I went to the doctor and I told him my fears in the exam room while we waited. He wondered why I felt that way and I explained that I felt great and didn’t have any side effects. The doctor joined us promptly and before I could say anything to her, I could hear the pitter patter of the heartbeat from the sonogram. Dan told our doctor that I was having crazy thoughts and she showed us the baby on the ultrasound just to put my fears at rest. I was 14 weeks by then and I can’t tell you how relieved and filled with joy I was.

Most of my second trimester was great! I felt better, had lots of energy, started looking pregnant, and felt confident sharing the news with everyone. Until then, I tried not to get to attached to the baby. I made myself embrace the life inside of me and tried to put all my fears behind me. My sister Jeanene said to me in a conversation “welcome to motherhood, you’ll never stop worrying from now on.” We began to discuss names once again and I of course started investing my time in planning & decorating the nursery. So fun!

At 20 weeks, we went for an extensive ultrasound. We saw the 4D image of our baby and it was like we met her. Oh ya…it’s a girl. She appeared to have my little nose. The examining doctor told us we could start coming up with names now. I replied I got it…as Dan looked at me quizzically “you do?” Yes, it’s Brooklyn Ann. It was almost as if she named herself. It was a first name we had discussed but there were many others that had been on the list higher than that one. I’m not sure where that moment of clarity and conviction came from, but from the time we were in that exam room she was forever Brooklyn Ann. Dan & I were both thrilled beyond belief because we both we’re anxious to have a baby girl. Dan joked with me that I would be the disciplinarian and he would spoil her rotten. I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s not joking. I know that little Brook will most likely be daddy’s little girl.

The first time I felt her kick and move about in my belly really made me realize what a miracle she really is. Even now, I continuously have my hand on my belly as she nudges me with her knees, hands, and feet. It's such a nice reminder that she's growing and thriving. It is still hard to believe that there is a human LIFE growing inside of me. I don't think that feeling will ever get old.

The third trimester has been another story….
I’ve always had lower back problems. I imagine from the years of cheerleading and gymnastics and maybe even from a number of car accidents I’ve been in. However, the increased weight gain and my 4 foot 11 stature have reeked havoc on my lower back. It constantly aches and has made just about every normal day activity difficult…walking, sitting, sleeping, etc. It hasn’t been fun. Thank god for my new chiropractor Dr. Day and massages…they have provided temporary moments of relief. Then came the swelling! My ankles and wrists started to swell around August and about the time I shot Christina’s wedding. Unfortunately the swelling in my wrists also brought numbness and throbbing in my hands…making it very difficult to continue with my photography processing. I hardly pay attention to my lower back anymore because my hands aching are so annoying now. I’m pretty sure at this point my husband wants this baby out of me just as much as I do…so he doesn’t have to hear me complain any more.

Despite the fact that I don’t LOVE being pregnant, I could not be more excited for what this next week is going to bring. I have lived a full 33 years of many adventures and experiences and I am ready for this next chapter. I can only hope and pray that they have prepared me to be a loving and caring mother. I have dreamt about this day my whole life and I could not be more anxious to meet Brooklyn. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers this week…for a safe and healthy delivery.

If you’re still reading this…thank you! I am so lucky to have an unbelievable support group of friends and family. I love you ALL!