{"Stay at Home, Mother"} And Thoughts On Brooklyn Turning Five

(I wrote this on Monday...but as always it's just difficult to push 'Publish'.)

Today was one of those days I arrived home 12 hours after I left. I taught all day, had a meeting after school (that my friend & coworker Cora reminded me of only an hour before), I then went and helped another friend with improving his social media presence for his business, delivered a bike that I sold, and had a couple client consult calls. And somewhere in the midst of all that...I looked at my calendar and realized that Brooklyn's 5th birthday is already next week. Not only do I have to be at Back to School night the evening of her actual birthday (which I also just realized)...I have yet to start planning her birthday party for next weekend.

Needless to say it was a chaotic day and it's always bittersweet coming home to an empty & quiet house (since Brookie is with her daddy tonight). As I sat in my office editing photos and listening to Sheryl Crow's new album, I found myself crying over one of her songs. It completely caught me off guard...and I wasn't really prepared for the sinking feeling it left me in my gut. I'm coming off the best summer I've ever had with my little girl because I decided to make her a priority over my work (by taking a break from shooting weddings all summer). We spent three weeks on the road together visiting four different states...and had the time of our lives. And not to mention many long days sunbathing at the beach here in Long Beach.

But the reality is that I have to work and I'm constantly torn between the balance of teaching, running a business, and being a mother. And I'm teaching a brand new class...photography...which is a dream come true. But it is a lot of work and the past three weeks have been difficult. I feel like a new teacher again...which is awesome and exhausting all at once. These lyrics never rang more true..."I just want her to know that I love her more than working all day."

This amazing little girl of mine is already going to be five years old. I wonder where the time has gone? I wonder if I'm able to compensate for the fact that her daddy & I are no longer together...and I really worry if she will someday blame me for that. She seems happy. And well adjusted. But you know the curse of a mom...you just worry. I'm trying to let that go. I'm trying to do the best I can but then songs like this come along...and they take me to that vulnerable place. This quote always resonated so much with me, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I feel like that most days...my heart is just exposed and vulnerable...

And on another note, I really want to get back to sharing my life here on this blog again. For too long I lost my voice because life was just too hard & RAW. I became paralyzed. I'm learning to be present. I'm happy again. That doesn't mean my life is perfect...it simply means I'm embracing the good with the bad. I'm not allowing the hard moments to define my life. I am not consuming myself with all that is wrong in my life. I'm focusing on the positive and I'm incredibly grateful for all that I do have. I think there is power in telling your story and I'm holding on to that.

"Stay At Home Mother"

Riding in the backseat, sipping on a Pepsi

Looking out the window, driving to the bus stop together

I tell her only three sleeps and I'll be right back

And then we're gonna have a good time when I come together

And I call her every single night

I'll miss her every day

And if she kissed me and waved goodbye

I could hear her say

Stay at home, mother

Stay at home

Stay at home, mother

Stay at home

I've been working late nights making up for the times

That I wasn't in the crowd cheering out loud at our school plays

Tickets to a circus, maybe a new bike

I just want her to know that I love her more than working all day

But the price will never measure up

To what's inside a box

While I run along around the world

She tells me to stop

And stay at home, mother

Stay at home

Stay at home, mother

Stay at home

We could play house and pretend

That tomorrow you won't be gone

Stay at home, mother

Stay at home

I wish some things were different

Doesn't change one memory

My little girl grew up

While I was too busy to see

That she's become the one thing

That I could never be

Stay at home, mother

Stay at home

Stay at home, mother

Stay at home

She could have a house and couple kids

And never have to be involved

As a stay at home mother

Stay at home mother

Stay at home...