{Favorite Quote} Blogember | Day Two

My favorite quote....

Before the days of Pinterest, I started a quote journal. I've always been obsessed with words as an avid reader and wanted a place to store all the gems I found in books. So as you can imagine, I have hundreds of quotes stored up in my journal(s) and now posted to a Pinterest board. So it is super difficult to choose just one. But this one has always resonated with me and especially in challenging times when I've been paralyzed with fear. That fear has kept me in situations and relationships that were unhealthy and eventually painful. And doing nothing is worse than actually doing it and failing. The process of overcoming the fear and breaking free almost always results in growth. And with growth comes blossoming...into the person I was meant to be. 

{Blogember} 

This is a series of personal posts to blog every day in November, inspired by A Happy Girl.
I would love for you to join me and link up over there.

{Best Life Lesson} Blogember | Day One

One of the best lessons life has shown me...

Frequently over the past few years I've thought to myself why does everything have to be so difficult? Why is there so much resistance? 

Why do I constantly feel like I'm taking one step forward and three steps back?  

"The most obvious important realities are often the ones hardest to see and talk about...In the day to day trenches of adult existence banal platitudes can have a life or death importance. Boredom, routine, & petty frustration." 

Did you watch the video? 

Because this quote will make so much more sense...and I can only imagine will ring true for you too.  

Well I've come to realize that life really is all about perspective. What do I choose to give my energy & attention to? Am I really going to fret and stress over things that I have absolutely no control over...such as traffic, long grocery lines, and other people's negative attitudes? If you think about it, it really is such a waste of energy. And there is so much truth to mind over matter. If you just decide to change your perspective, it can and will change your life. It has mine.

This is a series of personal posts to blog every day in November, inspired by A Happy Girl. 

I would love for you to join me and link up over HERE.

{My Story} The Mouse & How I Realized I Need to Get my Act Together

I wrote the blog post that follows almost a year ago in the midst of a very difficult time. I was depressed, having anxiety attacks, and feeling totally out of control with every aspect of my life. I am just so happy to say how much the difference a year can make. I declared 2013 a year of growth and have been committed to coming out of that dark place. And it just feels so good to type these words...I have grown and continuing to change. I have learned so many valuable lessons that I'd love to share but I feel like I gotta back up a bit first. The story that follows was the beginning of me making changes all for the better...

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Some day I am going to look back on this day and laugh....but I have a feeling it's going to take a long time for that to happen. There has been a mouse in our house since Halloween at least. And it's created all sort of havoc...including provoking a near nervous breakdown in me. I'm not even kidding, I wish I was.

It all started around Halloween or some time after Brookie's 'Candyland' Birthday party. I had one of those huge bins of Red Vines sitting on the counter. Being a favorite of mine, I would snack on them periodically. I kept on noticing that the lid was frequently left off and then they started to decrease in size. Like someone tore them in half, just to eat a portion. Being that I'm not the only one in the house I didn't think anything of it. Until one day Dan pointed out that there was a collection of red vines in the bottom broiler drawer of the oven. I was like...."WHAT? How does that happen?" It was at that point, we discovered we had a critter living amongst us (or at least speculated). And it was also at that point that I realized "OH MY GAWD, I'VE BEEN EATING RED VINES THAT HAVE BEEN TOUCHED BY A RODENT?" Even just typing those words want to make me vomit and go do a freak out dance running down the street like a crazy person. Seriously disgusting. Morever, what about the potential for diseases? (I think the scene in El Norte with the girl crawling through the tunnel to get to the US has ruined me forever as she encountered a sleugh of rats on her journey....and she ultimately died from a disease spread by the rats too, I might add). Oh my gosh, I don't want to die. And certainly not by way of rodent disease.

Fast forward a week or so, I come home to my computer an odd glow. It was asleep from the night prior and I couldn't get the login menu to come on. I finally just force quit with the power button but it still would not turn on. I also happened to notice that my external hard drive had powered off (and I never turn it off). I started getting a little nervous (because as you know I am a wedding photographer and those images are preciously stored on my external hard drive). I crawled under my desk and yanked on the power cord....only to find a collection of empty candy wrappers (Reese's peanut butter cups, to be exact) and mouse droppings all around the power surge. I wish I could tell you what exactly happened in that moment...but it's a bit of a blur...because I FREAKED OUT! Holy hell, that damn mouse did not fry my external by tripping the power one too many times, right? Wrong. It most certainly had. I went into a flurry of action trying to figure out to see if my drive & computer were in fact damaged. All the while stressing that I may have lost thousands of images and hours, even days of work because of this damn mouse. (NOTE: my drive & data has since been recovered, all images were also backed up online, & my computer is back to working order).

At that point, I posted on Facebook "If I go missing, do not worry I'm going to have a nervous breakdown in private and will be back when I have my sh*t together." I got a lot of really sweet but concerned messages. After posting my status, I thought to myself....not such a bad idea to get out of town a few days, calm myself, and recollect my thoughts. So that's exactly what I did the next morning. I packed Brookie & I up and drove out to see my parents in Laughlin, where they snowbird for the winter. It was a nice 4+ hour drive out there listening to some good tunes to calm my nerves. And by the way, sometimes a mom can make everything feel better, it was the perfect solution even if it was just for the moment (and even if I am almost 38 years old). (as I still had no idea if I were able to retrieve the images or fix the equipment).

After having set several traps with no such luck of catching the little creeper (and more evidence appearing of his presence daily)...Dan finally went and bought the larger rat traps. That was tonight. He demonstrated the sound the trap would make if it was set off. It was startling loud. I kid you not...it was less than an hour later that I heard the trap snap. It made me jump! We both ran to the kitchen and sure enough, we got him! I know I shouldn't have looked but I did...and only saw his long disgusting tail. ACKKKKKKKKKKKK! Thank you lord.

So you may be asking yourself...why all the stress over a little mouse? Well, other than the fact that any type of creepy crawly rodent completly FREAKS me out....it was really just a metaphor for the many problems that should have been addressed the moment I realized them. But life got in the way, other responsibilities beckoned, and I all but forgot about the mouse until the computer incident. I have been living with my head just barely above water for the past year. I frequently feel as if I'm being pulled under and I have to fight & struggle to swim up for air. That may sound extreme...but there is no better way for me to describe it (drowning is a major fear of mine and I've been living in fear). Just when I feel like I'm putting out one fire, another one flurries even bigger than the last, and off I go to keep it all under control. Ha...that's where I really got it all wrong and learned some big lessons about my life and the way I've been living it. And how my issues with control or lack there of all but ruined me.

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By the way, I still can't laugh over the way that little rodent taunted me and created so much havoc in my home, even a year later. I am, however, happy that many of my struggles are behind me and I feel better equipped for future challenges.

I received an email from a fave blogger this eve and read these words that inspired me to share this blog.

When called, do it:

Before it hurts.
Before it frustrates the pants off you.
Before resistance shows up.
Before excuses.
Before fear.
Before it escalates from ‘needs attention’ to ‘pressing concern.’

Taking action BEFORE – not during, or after – things become inflamed means, you say Skip! to the struggle. And ultimately, life works better.

So get to it, friends...what needs attention in your life? I, for one, have easily tried to pretend that the problem does not exist...but it will not go away...it will only escalate. I'm all for JUST FREAKING DO IT now. Lesson learned.

{Brooklyn} Happy 5th Birthday

To my big 5 year old,

I can hardly believe that it's been five years since you joined this world. Everyone always says that time flies and you will grow up so fast. In some ways five years feels like yesterday and in other ways it feels like a lifetime with you. I can not imagine my life without you. I dreamt about you before you were born...and there is no way I could ever envision the amazing person that you have become. People always tell me that you are an old soul...and I would have to agree. You have insight and sensitivity that goes well beyond your five short years. I find myself learning from you...more than I think I could ever teach you. 

Of all the things I love about you, your sense of humor is probably my favorite. You say some seriously funny things with the perfect delivery. For example, you recently asked me "What do you want to be when you grow up...or is this mom thing pretty much it?" You already talk about marrying our neighbor boy Conrad...saying that he is smart, kind, & wonderful (always go for the smart ones!). You say things like "you gotta be kidding me?", "seriously?", and "that freaked me out"(hmmm...I wonder who you sound like?).

You are in Kinder at Petite Montessori this year (having missed the LBUSD cutoff by one day). You have weekly homework and you are eager to sit down and do it the minute you walk in the door from school. Even exclaiming "YAY!" for homework...you are a girl after my own heart (having always loved school growing up too).

I can't wait to celebrate your birthday this weekend with your Grammy, Auntie Net, Jessica, Kendall, and all your Long Beach friends. 

A very happy birthday to you, sweet girl of mine!

Love, your momma

{Photos by Jessica Rae Photography}

And here is your 5th year captured on Instagram...

{"Stay at Home, Mother"} And Thoughts On Brooklyn Turning Five

(I wrote this on Monday...but as always it's just difficult to push 'Publish'.)

Today was one of those days I arrived home 12 hours after I left. I taught all day, had a meeting after school (that my friend & coworker Cora reminded me of only an hour before), I then went and helped another friend with improving his social media presence for his business, delivered a bike that I sold, and had a couple client consult calls. And somewhere in the midst of all that...I looked at my calendar and realized that Brooklyn's 5th birthday is already next week. Not only do I have to be at Back to School night the evening of her actual birthday (which I also just realized)...I have yet to start planning her birthday party for next weekend.

Needless to say it was a chaotic day and it's always bittersweet coming home to an empty & quiet house (since Brookie is with her daddy tonight). As I sat in my office editing photos and listening to Sheryl Crow's new album, I found myself crying over one of her songs. It completely caught me off guard...and I wasn't really prepared for the sinking feeling it left me in my gut. I'm coming off the best summer I've ever had with my little girl because I decided to make her a priority over my work (by taking a break from shooting weddings all summer). We spent three weeks on the road together visiting four different states...and had the time of our lives. And not to mention many long days sunbathing at the beach here in Long Beach.

But the reality is that I have to work and I'm constantly torn between the balance of teaching, running a business, and being a mother. And I'm teaching a brand new class...photography...which is a dream come true. But it is a lot of work and the past three weeks have been difficult. I feel like a new teacher again...which is awesome and exhausting all at once. These lyrics never rang more true..."I just want her to know that I love her more than working all day."

This amazing little girl of mine is already going to be five years old. I wonder where the time has gone? I wonder if I'm able to compensate for the fact that her daddy & I are no longer together...and I really worry if she will someday blame me for that. She seems happy. And well adjusted. But you know the curse of a mom...you just worry. I'm trying to let that go. I'm trying to do the best I can but then songs like this come along...and they take me to that vulnerable place. This quote always resonated so much with me, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I feel like that most days...my heart is just exposed and vulnerable...

And on another note, I really want to get back to sharing my life here on this blog again. For too long I lost my voice because life was just too hard & RAW. I became paralyzed. I'm learning to be present. I'm happy again. That doesn't mean my life is perfect...it simply means I'm embracing the good with the bad. I'm not allowing the hard moments to define my life. I am not consuming myself with all that is wrong in my life. I'm focusing on the positive and I'm incredibly grateful for all that I do have. I think there is power in telling your story and I'm holding on to that.

"Stay At Home Mother"

Riding in the backseat, sipping on a Pepsi

Looking out the window, driving to the bus stop together

I tell her only three sleeps and I'll be right back

And then we're gonna have a good time when I come together

And I call her every single night

I'll miss her every day

And if she kissed me and waved goodbye

I could hear her say

Stay at home, mother

Stay at home

Stay at home, mother

Stay at home

I've been working late nights making up for the times

That I wasn't in the crowd cheering out loud at our school plays

Tickets to a circus, maybe a new bike

I just want her to know that I love her more than working all day

But the price will never measure up

To what's inside a box

While I run along around the world

She tells me to stop

And stay at home, mother

Stay at home

Stay at home, mother

Stay at home

We could play house and pretend

That tomorrow you won't be gone

Stay at home, mother

Stay at home

I wish some things were different

Doesn't change one memory

My little girl grew up

While I was too busy to see

That she's become the one thing

That I could never be

Stay at home, mother

Stay at home

Stay at home, mother

Stay at home

She could have a house and couple kids

And never have to be involved

As a stay at home mother

Stay at home mother

Stay at home...

{Life} Creating & Living Your Story

I just completed reading the book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller, as part of an online book club (comprised mostly of photographers). It was good...so good I devoured it in two days. If you know me...you know I love a good non-fiction book and you also know I've always wanted to be part of a book club (in fact I had one for a short while with my teacher friends that was awesome...but short lived. As it turns out, not everyone loves to read as much as I). Here is the book description to give you a little peek...

After writing a successful memoir, Donald Miller's life stalled. During what should have been the height of his success, he found himself unwilling to get out of bed, avoiding responsibility, even questioning the meaning of life. But when two movie producers proposed turning his memoir into a movie, he found himself launched into a new story filled with risk, possibility, beauty, and meaning. 

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years chronicles Miller's rare opportunity to edit his life into a great story, to reinvent himself so nobody shrugs their shoulders when the credits roll. Through heart-wrenching honesty and hilarious self-inspection, Donald Miller takes readers through the life that emerges when it turns from boring reality into meaningful narrative. 

Miller goes from sleeping all day to riding his bike across America, from living in romantic daydreams to fearful encounters with love, from wasting his money to founding a nonprofit with a passionate cause. Guided by a host of outlandish but very real characters, Miller shows us how to get a second chance at life the first time around. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years is a rare celebration of the beauty of life.

"A rare celebration of the beauty of life"....I LOVE THAT! This book has me nostalgic for a time when I lived my life and wasn't driven by obligations and responsibilities. A time when I could decide that hey I'm gonna go to Spain for six months and learn Spanish and see Europe while I'm at. Or a time when I would lay poolside for hours on end reading..only to get up to take a dip in the pool to cool off. I want my life to be stitched together by sunsets and meaningful conversations and laughter and purpose. I do not want the days to pass, one blending into the other, and unable to remember one from the next.

I guess there has always been this dreamer side of me...a side that just kinda wants to escape it all. I am part ambitious, motivated, & hard working...and the other part of me lives in the clouds dreaming about the perfect vacation or even the perfect moment. I daydream about being on the water in a boat...or in a convertible driving down the coast. The wind is blowing my air...the sun is warming my skin...and music is drowning out all the noise, inside & out. From the time I was a child the soundtrack to that moment has been 'Sailing'....I envisioned it as a child long before I ever lived it. I've lived that moment many times in reality and it comes back to me frequently when I have an intense desire to be at peace & free again. Even before I knew all the possibilities of life, I was dreaming about them. I guess you could say it has been my coping mechanism. I pulled that song up today on Spotify (my most recent obsession) and read the lyrics (which I've never done before). How could I love that song so much as a child...long before I realized the longings of my heart...and could identify with it so well at such a young age? It so resonates with me...

Well, it's not far down to paradise, at least it's not for me

And if the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility

Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see

Believe me

It's not far to never-never land, no reason to pretend

And if the wind is right you can find the joy of innocence again

Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see

Believe me 

Sailing takes me away to where I've always heard it could be

Just a dream and the wind to carry me

And soon I will be free 

Fantasy, it gets the best of me

When I'm sailing

All caught up in the reverie, every word is a symphony

Won't you believe me? 

Sailing takes me away to where I've always heard it could be

Just a dream and the wind to carry me

And soon I will be free 

Well it's not far back to sanity, at least it's not for me

And if the wind is right you can sail away and find serenity

Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see

Believe me 

Sailing takes me away to where I've always heard it could be

Just a dream and the wind to carry me

and soon I will be free

There is just a part of me...that no matter what...how busy or crazy or frantic I may be...I need those moments. I have learned that nature and music and relationships are just woven into the fabric of who I am. I need them. I want them. I want to live them. I want to be a walking advertisement for living life in the moment (instead of wanting to escape it). Not yesterday, or tomorrow, & definitely not 'some day' (for that day may never come). Am I? At times, yes. And other times, not so much...definitely not so much. I am tangled up in deadlines and chores and guilt (for every time I tend to something when I feel like something else is lacking). It is a life of tug & pull...compromise...and sacrifice. But this is my life. I'm learning to navigate these waters...it's far more difficult than I had ever imagined. But as I learned from this book....all great stories involve conflict. This is one of my favorite quotes from the book....

"I didn't want to embrace conflict, I wanted it to be an easy story. But nobody really remembers easy stories. Characters have to face their greatest fears with courage. That's what makes a story good."

"...we are unwilling to embrace the potential greatness of the story we are actually in. We think God is unjust, rather than a master storyteller."

And so when everything is said and done, what is my story? How do I want to be remembered? What is the story that I want to leave behind? These are all great questions...but unanswered. I have a feeling that this is just the beginning of my story. I believe good things are to come. And I will not wait for them to happen...I will create them. I will write my story. And my hope...is that I will leave some sort of legacy. A legacy that extends beyond my personal desires...but one that will help & inspire others. What do you want your story to be?

"Once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time."