{Brooklyn} The Stories We Tell

Disclaimer: I wrote this last week in a moment of frustration and decided not to post it. Well, after reading it again tonight in a much better place, I feel like it's part of my story that I want you to know. So please read but know that I'm okay and always in a place of progress.

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I learned early on in my first pregnancy and then later with that miscarriage, that there are many things that women do not talk about. Because we are private and our experiences are intimate and personal. And because we want to protect ourselves and our families. 

I tell you this because I do it too. I stand behind half truths (not untruths but not exactly the whole truth) with what I decide to share with you on this blog. For many reasons. One, it's also the face of my business and I don't want to scare you away. Two, I'm a teacher and always aware of who might be reading my thoughts. Three, I attempt to be me as much as possible but sometimes I can tend to sugar coat things or wear my rose colored glasses. And other times, I'm just so negative...that I don't share at all (or I share too much in a moment of frustration).

Tonight I'm thinking of this because I was planning on sharing with you some super cuteness that's been going on in our house with Brookie...puzzle making, song singing, Spanish speaking, fun stuff! But, honestly, my plan has been interrupted with the horns of a toddler beast for the past few days. A 2'10" 28 pound beast that can reduce me to tears and make me feel like a disappointment as a mom. And now I just really want to tell you how I'm feeling.

I wonder if I'm the only one going through this. Is my child really the only strong willed, stubborn, tantrum throwing, her way or the highway little girl? Or are moms just not talking about their little devils. I don't blame them! It's so much more fun to talk about what little geniuses they are. We are all proud of our kidlets. Some times I just wish I wasn't alone in feeling defeated by this little person. Because I could care less how well your child behaves, I just really want to be honest and some good advice on how to handle my girl better. I just want someone to relate to. And some days, I just want a shoulder to cry on.

And, if I'm being honest, I wish I didn't feel so defeated at being a good wife too. I wish my house wasn't always a mess. I wish I could deliver faster to my photography clients. I wish I was more patient with my students. And I really wish I was 20 pounds thinner. I've always been a "go-getter"...so it's a challenge to learn to live with limitations.

I've been praying lots lately for nothing other than "God, reveal to me the person I am suppose to be." I can wear a lot of hats, but it doesn't mean I'll wear any of them well. I understand that I'm incredibly blessed with the life I have but I feel trapped in many ways as well. I have been feeling stuck. And that's a terrible place to be because I'm uncertain what to do. I've never quite been in this place ever in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have been in terrible situations before but I've always know that I was a decision away from change. Now I feel like I'm chapters or light years from that place. Because it's just complicated. Or maybe that is just the story I tell myself. And it's time to tell a new one...

{By the way, it was very difficult for me to click "publish" on this post. But I've been inspired by a friend going through a different sort of challenge.}