{A New Year} On my 38th Birthday

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September, January, & June have always been my favorite months. A new school year...a calendar year (& my birthday)...and of course, summer! They all have the promise of a fresh start & a new beginning.  It's an opportunity for me to reset, reassess, re-prioritize, & strive for a new goal or dream. I know a lot of people criticize new year resolutions because of the rate of failure. I think that's ridiculous. Don't do something because you are likely to fail? That's crazy. And it should piss you off, because it does me. Because if I listened to the critics of my life, I would probably be in a very different place than I am now. If you accomplish just one of the many goals you set out to accomplish this year...you are already better off than you were. You have accomplished something that you might not have had you not taken the time to reflect & set the goal. And that's why I love all 3 months...if I didn't accomplish it the first time around...I have a chance again. And that is the beauty in living. We are given second chances. We are given grace & forgiveness. I think we all need to remember that and give it to ourselves most. We are the hardest on ourselves? Right?

Source: http://www.frameworkmag.com/this-and-that/weekend-words-possibility/ 

But still we are challenged. Sometimes I do things so naturally because they are just a part of who I am that I don't think much of it. For example I make my passwords reminders of things I need to remember (emotionally & spiritually...not "I need to pick up milk"). And I always have inspirational reminders as my wallpaper on my phone & computer. I even wear jewelry that says things like "hope" to remind me. I truly believe that I am my own best cheerleader for living this crazy life.  I didn't really think much of it until a super perceptive friend like Cora asks me (after watching me enter my unlock code for my phone)..."is 2013 your password?". "Uhhhh...yeah" (feeling all insecure). It wasn't an accusatory question...really just more of an observation & inquiry (and if you know Cora...she notices everything). And me being all insecure I asked her, "you must think I'm nutso?" And her reply, "I LOVE IT! That's you!!!". And I was instantly at ease once again thinking, "yes, that is me & she knows me". She knows how much I love a new year and OF COURSE it's my current password. Sheesh, why do I even fret over one of my best friends questioning me? Because even though I turned 38 years old today, I am still insecure and I still question myself...even when others don't. Why can't I embrace this person that I am?

Source: http://piccsy.com/2012/01/picc-3abvi922x/ 

Two fairly recent conversations stand out in my mind. I posted last year that I was going through a difficult time & struggling and a co-worker noticed. She came into my classroom and we began talking about my post. She said to me "Charla, you know what your problem is?" {gasp} "You don't realize how really great you are." I was speechless. I had absolutely no idea how to reply to that comment & felt completely unworthy of it. She went on to explain herself and I sat there in disbelief. I'm sure it's taken me this whole year to accept that compliment and understand what she meant. But she was on to something.

The second happened today on my birthday. An older friend that I went to high school with posted this, "Happy Birthday Charla!!! You are my idol!" That post floored me!!! Because really I looked up to this girl most of my high school career. She was nice, charismatic, smart, & involved (pretty much all that I aspired to be). I'll never forget her campaigning for office in high school. She had professionally printed materials with clever campaign slogans (and this was in the day before we had home computers & printers...so it was super impressive). Although we've maintained some contact over the years and have been reconnected on a number of occasions personally, I really can't believe the she of all people would refer to me as "her idol." Although meant for a nice compliment, I've always held her in such a high esteem...it's hard to accept that compliment. Which leads me to this...

Source: http://www.hardtofind.com.au/products/Just-Be-You.-Always.-Print.html 

We are all in this together. In this super messy emotional ugly cry kinda life....it unites us, not divides us. I've lived it. I'm sure you have to. We are disappointed. And heart broken. And sometimes desperate. We are not in high school. We need to let those self negative perceptions die and grow to be the people we were meant to be. Our perceptions of others are not always true. Let go of your past hurts. Forgive those that hurt you. Embrace those that helped you. And just live your life out loud honestly...not worrying what others think. That is my new mantra....and it's only taken me 38 years to learn it. And I have not felt more free or excited for what the future holds...

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